Why Am I Fat? Here’s Six Reasons

I remind myself of these reasons nearly everyday. They can also apply to you and most other Americans…

1. You’re Lazy

Get off your ass and do something. Don’t just lay there on the couch and destroy your brain watching Netflix and Hulu. There’s plenty to do in this world and so little time to do it.

Interact with the world. Run some errands. Play with your kids. Go out for a jog. Go to the gym–or break out the old P-90X videos. Clean the house and listen to some new music. Work on a home improvement project or start an art project. Call some friends while going for a walk. Get in the kitchen and learn to cook.

The more your move, the more calories you’ll burn, the more weight you’ll lose, and the happier you’ll be. Don’t wait until the new year to make these changes, lazy ass. You’re not getting any younger, and the older you get, the harder it will be to change.

2. You’re Always Playing With Your Phone

My goodness, why do you play on your phone all the time? Do you really need to be on social media? Do you really need to see that a “friend” went to dinner last night and took a picture of their lasagna?

No.

If you really cared, you’d call and talk to them. Oh, you like to read? Is that why you’re on the phone? To be smarter? Ha. Well then buy a REAL book or a magazine. Try reading something that can hold your attention for more than 30 minutes instead of being bombarded by pop-up ads or distracted by your other thousand apps on your phone. The only time you should be on your phone is when you’re on the toilet–because the ONLY thing “smart” phones are good for is to replace the reading material on the back of your air freshener or shampoo bottle.

The more time you’re on this horrific device, the less time you’re moving and the less time you’re spending with friends and family. Get your head out of the icloud. Your physical (and mental) health will thank you.

3. You Eat Like Crap

You can’t complain about your gut when you sit there all day stuffing your face with cookies, salty snacks, and pies. Come on! Eat some produce for once. Make a salad, or snack on some cereal or mixed nuts–something with vitamins and minerals in it. Oh, and don’t grab a Coke to wash it down. Sugary drinks are a recipe for fatness. Try something different that’s made without added sugars. It’s not the ‘90s anymore, it’s the ‘20s, there’s at least 100,000 zero-calorie beverages out there made by smart food scientists. Even beer is healthier now. Choose smarter snacks and smarter drinks, or you’ll turn into a pile of what you’re eating: crap.

4. You Eat Too Much

Does your plate need to be that big? Or your cup? Is it really necessary to drink a quarter gallon of Hi-C in one sitting?

No.

If you do, your blood with turn into liquid sugar. This might be something Willy Wonka and his Umpa Lumpas would find interesting, but not your doctor after you check yourself into the clinic with obesity, diabetes, and heart disease.

It’s time to downsize your plates and cups. Unless you’re an olympic athlete training for the next summer games, you don’t need to eat that many calories. The only thing those extra calories will be doing is feeding the army of fat cells growing inside your stomach and ass. 

5. You Think the Elliptical Machine is a Workout

(APPLAUSE)

Congratulations! You made it to the gym, and I’m very proud of you. But let me whisper something to you:

The elliptical isn’t a workout.

Yes, I know the eliptical is low impact and good for your knees, but it’s also low impact on your heart and weight loss. If you can read, watch TV, or conversate with someone else riding one next to you, then you’re wasting your time–unless your goal at the gym is to read People Magazine, watch ESPN, or talk with a gym friend. But if your goal is to get in shape and feel great, then switch over to the treadmill or stairclimber. Or mix it up with burpies and some high intensity interval training. If you’re lifting weights, don’t rest longer than 60 seconds between sets. Keep your heart rate above 100 beats per minute at all times, if you can. I dare you. This will give you a better burn and help your heart pump fresh, clean blood throughout your body, making you feel happy and good. 

6. You Think You’re Eating Healthy

You might be. After all, avocados, nuts, and whole grains, for example, are very nutritious foods, but they’re also high in calories.

The last time I checked, depending on your size and activity levels, you only need 1,500-2,500 calories per day. Snacking on calorically dense foods, like peanut butter on a whole grain bagel, would cost you about 500 calories. This is potentially one-third of your daily needs. If this is your lunch, then great. But it shouldn’t be a snack unless you’re Michael Phelps. You can’t consume 500-calorie snacks between meals and expect a six-pack. The only thing your should expect is to turn into a healthy fat ass–and there’s NO SUCH THING. 

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