Calories and Campfires

Our metabolism is like a campfire. When we eat food and drink, it’s sent to the liver to be metabolized and burned away like wood to produce heat (calories). If we hork down too much, like three out of every four people in America, we’re tossing a large amount of wood on a fire that won’t get burned. This extra wood is then stacked up in our body as glycogen and fat, and saved for later.

Glycogen is extra carb storage in our liver and muscles. It’s readily accessible and our body’s first choice for fuel when food isn’t around. But glycogen storage is limited. When it runs out, we convert extra calories into fat, which is stored virtually everywhere in the body–around our organs, in our bloodstream, or packed into our guts, asses, and hips.

When we have an abundant storage of “wood,” things can get out of control. Since our bloodstream is like an interstate system, when it gets too crowded, it doesn’t work efficiently. Too much fat on our freeway can cause traffic jams, car accidents, and jack-knifed 18-wheelers, inhibiting the performance of our daily physiological needs. Over a period of time, this leads to obesity and resulting diseases–like type 2 diabetes, fatty liver, heart disease, and cancer. 

So what are the sources of calories? 

Carbohydrates, protein, alcohol, and fat can be burned down to produce energy. Carbs and protein give off the least heat, at 4 calories per gram. Alcohol (my favorite) comes in second place at 7 calories per gram. And fat provides the most heat at 9 calories per gram.

Sticking with the campfire example (pun intended), carbs are like kindling. They burn quickly and are a necessity for getting things started and building a fire. They are great breakfast foods. 

Protein is like a bundle of wood you buy at the grocery store that costs about $10. It is good for building your fire and providing a framework. Protein takes longer to burn.

Fat is like that big fat tree stump you put on the fire. It takes forever to start burning, but when it does, it provides fuel for a long time. 

Alcohol is like lighter fluid. You might use it if you suck at building a fire from scratch. At first it produces a bright, amazing flame and you think: This fire is awesome. Who needs wood when you got lighter fluid, brah? But the fire, and fun, doesn’t last. The flames usually die off in about 10 seconds and you’re back where you started from. 

Drinking alcohol has the same effect. The moment you take a shot, pound a beer, or drink a fancy glass of rosé, the alcohol gets absorbed into your bloodstream and the flame ignites, releasing fun, drunken energy. But the flame burns away, and you soon feel like a burnt out stick. 

How much fuel do you need?

Well, it depends. The size of your body, and how much you use it, determines how much wood to toss on your campfire. The smaller you are, or the more inactive you are, the less wood you need. If you’re tall and active, you’ll need more.

Most people follow the 2,000 calorie-a-day standard, but this is an average amount. A small, sedentary female will get fat eating 2,000 daily calories because her campfire is small. But a gigantic, active manbeast will lose weight because his bonfire is ginormous.

Bottom line:

Your metabolism is like a campfire. Know how much wood you need to toss on it or you’ll get fat. To find out, google “calorie calculator,” choose one of the millions of calculators, and plug in your information. This knowledge will help ensure your campfire burns bright and incinerates anything you toss into it.

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Keeping Your Foundation Strong. A Message from Vitamin D.

Dear humans,

Hello, my name is Deon. You may know me by my Earth name: Vitamin D. With winter upon us, I thought it necessary to provide you with critical information.

First, I ask that you keep this message confidential. The Academy of Nutrients, Vitamins And Minerals (ANVAM) has made me swear to not reveal my true identity—that I’m one of many sentient nano beings employed to work inside the human body to ensure it functions properly.

I work closely with my friends, Cali and Phred (you know them as Calcium and Phosphorus) to keep your bones and teeth healthy. I also do some work on the side to keep your immune system and genes healthy, but for the sake of this discussion, my primary job is in the Bones and Teeth Division. 

I don’t live inside your body, I just work there. I travel via pills, food, or on a beam of ultraviolet light. I prefer light travel—it’s fast, efficient, and I enter through your skin in a greater capacity. Food is a much slower vehicle, and humans rarely ingest me because I’m found in disgusting foods like sardines and cod liver oil. However, for the past ninety years, food scientists on Earth have been fortifying me in milk and cereal, so many humans onboard me during their breakfast.

When I travel to your body I’m always in hypersleep, which means I’m dormant upon arrival. I must be transported to the liver or kidneys to be activated. There my work shift begins!

My job classification is a Regulator. Along with my supervisor, Paul Thomas Harold (aka Parathyroid Hormone), we make sure Cali and Phred are in the right place and in correct balance so your bones and teeth work at optimal efficiency. I’m the only member of ANVAM that possesses the magic keys that will unlock the doors to bones and small intestines, which is where Cali and Phred are absorbed and begin their work shift. I especially need to keep an eye on Cali. She’ll sometimes get lost or try to leave work before her shift is over, so I make sure she doesn’t hop aboard a pool of your urine and exit the body. Losing too much of her could lead to weak bones.

Sometimes, if you don’t eat the right foods or see enough sunlight, I’m unable to report to work. This is especially common during the winter months in Earth’s northern regions (and the reason I’m sending this message). When this happens, Cali and Phred are on their own, gathering outside your bones and small intestines waiting for my magic keys. But since I’m not there, they can’t do their job. Potentially, this could lead to an outbreak of osteomalacia or rickets—and your bone foundation might deteriorate like a house whose structure has been digested by termites. Not fun.

So this winter, make sure you eat vitamin D-fortified foods or take supplements. I put in a lot of hours taking care of you; I’d hate to see your bones slowly crumble into a pile of dust.

Happy new year!

-Deon

Deon Dihydroxy III
Regulatory Communications Officer
Bones and Teeth Division
Academy of Nutrients, Vitamins, and Minerals